


Hey Jealousy

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Drama, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-18
Updated: 2006-09-17
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:53:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8701768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Supernatural isn't the first time Jared and Jensen met. The past collides with the present and maybe, just maybe, there could be a future.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: Beta Thanks: Thanks go to Siberian Skys for looking this over and assuring me the end wasn't the catastrophe my mind told me it was and for the beta. Also to keepaofthecheez for betaing. She's amazing.  
Inspiration:...Gay men are every bit as emotionally closeted as their straight counterparts. Instead of just one partner being distant, uncommunicative and emotionally stunted, both are.--Minotaur  
See how they looked in the flasback scenes. [Jared](http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/MF_Luder_XF/JP28.jpg), [Jensen](http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/MF_Luder_XF/JA38.jpg)  


* * *

**Hey Jealousy--Gin Blossoms**  
Tell me do you think it'd be all right   
If I could just crash here tonight   
You can see I'm in no shape for driving   
And anyway I've got no place to go   
And you know it might not be that bad   
You were the best I'd ever had   
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago   
I might not be alone   
Tomorrow we can drive around this town   
And let the cops chase us around   
The past is gone but something might be found   
To take its place...hey jealousy   
And you can trust me not to think   
And not to sleep around   
If you don't expect too much from me   
You might not be let down   
Cause all I really want is to be with you   
Feeling like I matter too   
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago   
I might be here with you   
Tomorrow we can drive around this town   
And let the cops chase us around   
The past is gone but something might be found   
To take its place...hey jealousy

 

When Jensen walked into the studio exec's office and saw Jared Padalecki sitting on the couch, limbs spread every which way as though he hadn't a care in the world, his first thought was:

_He grew up good._

His second thought, as in seeming slow motion Jared turned to look at him, was:  
 _  
HolyshitfuckwhatamIgonnado?_

His third thought was simply:

_I need a beer._

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Jared's first thought as the broad-chested man walked in through the glass doors, black shirt stretched tight, close cropped hair that picked up the sunlight's refractions, and the latest sunglasses was:

_Who's the hottie?_

His second thought as the man took off his glasses was:

_Jensen. Jensen Ackles. Well, hell._

His third thought was something only he could could understand, but it involved a lot of swearing, that was for sure.

His fourth thought was simply:

_God help me._

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Jensen took off his glasses, and tried to judge the situation. This could go one of many ways. Most likely, he'd get the cool and detached manner of someone who had become jaded with the business. Second, he could get a punch in the face. Or third, he might break the record for a co-star walking out on them in the shortest amount of time.

So he was surprised when Jared practically jumped up off the couch and reached him in only two strides—-when the hell had he gotten so tall?--and offered both a hand and a wide grin.

“Hi. I'm Jared Padalecki. Looks like I'll be working with you.”

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Jared wasn't sure exactly how to play it. But he knew by the hesitant and wary look in Jensen's eyes, that he didn't want to bring up the past. He almost looked like he thought Jared would punch him.

Nice as that thought was, he didn't think that was a good way to start a brand new job. Instead, he decided to play safe and ignorant. With a practiced ease—he _was_ an actor—he walked over to the nervous Jensen and offered his hand.

“Hi. I'm Jared Padalecki. Looks like I'll be working with you.”

The look of utter shock, though it was quickly composed, was better than a punch. What was it his momma had always said? Kill them with kindness.

“Umm...hi. I'm Jensen Ackles.” He stuck out his own hand.

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_“Hey, there. I'm Jensen. Jensen Ackles.”_

_Jared watched as the pretty boy leaned his elbow on the counter. His pink lips were parted slightly and looked slick—almost like he was wearing lip gloss. 'Jensen' was wearing a turtleneck sweater with a zipper that extended halfway down. The zipper was undone to show a white tee._

_“Uh, hi.” He shifted uncomfortably. He hadn't been expecting anyone to talk to him._

_“Well, come on, what's your name?”_

_“Uhh...Jared.” He looked down at his drink. Only the second of the night._

_“And does Jared have a last name?” Jensen needled, leaning back so both his elbows were on the counter, chest facing the party, and staring hard at him._

_“Padalecki.”_

_“Not one much for talking, are you? Here as someone's little show boy?”_

_Jared started at him confused._

_Jensen let out a put-upon sigh. “Someone's boyfriend. Maybe Alexis'?”_

_Jared gaped. “Are you kidding me? Alexis Bledel would never date me. We're like...siblings. Or something. Gross.”_

_“Wait...” Jensen looked at him closer. “Ha, I should have guessed. You're one of the people on Gilmore Girls aren't you? I heard the WB was going to go with that show. So you're not a boyfriend. Good news.” His eyebrows raised in a gesture Jared didn't quite get and he took a sip of whatever was in his glass._

_He glanced at Jared's own then. “Say, aren't you a little young to be drinking?”_

_“Hey, I'm eighteen, thank you.”_

_“Yeah, well that's not the legal limit, you know.”_

_“Nobody stopped me. No one asked. What are you anyway? My momma?”_

_“Nah. Just don't let the press catch ya or your career will be over before it starts. Or you'll get thrown into porn. And shitty B horror movies.”_

_“Thanks for the advice,” Jared let his voice drip with sarcasm. Who the fuck was this guy? He thought back a moment. “Wait...why is it good news I'm not someone's boyfriend?”_

_Jensen laughed, a quiet, low chuckle. “Because then I couldn't get away with this.”_

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Just then, Eric Kripke walked out with a few other men who must be production or writers or maybe even the WB bigwigs.

“Gentlemen! Ah, I see you've met each other already. Great, we can get started then.”

“Great,” Jensen muttered under his breath, and Jared smirked.  
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They actually worked together fairly well. Everyone was impressed with the Pilot and they'd both been told they had real chemistry together, 'something you can't fake'. Or so they'd been told.

And honestly, it seemed as though Jared had forgotten all about that month, way back when. Well, Jensen had changed, though it hurt his ego to be forgotten so easily. But Jared never mentioned the past and for that at least, Jensen was grateful.

Once he had realized Jared was going to ignore or had forgotten what had gone on before with them, he found Jared was actually a cool guy. Well, ok, that past thing would never have happened had he not been a cool guy—Jensen did have standards beyond good-looking—but now he was grown up. He still acted like an over-sized five-year-old at times, but it was all good. It wasn't like before, with the naivety and the whining, and the teenage hormones which meant hardcore mood swings.

No, now Jared was always playful. Always laughing at his jokes, flattering everyone on set, the upper level guys even. Everyone—especially the press—was susceptible to the Padalecki charm. Not him, of course. No, been there, done that.

But once the show was picked up for sure for the whole season, they both relaxed a bit and actually hung out together. It was just trailer visits for pizza and sports games or a quick, 'hey, let's go over our lines together'. Then they started showing up at all the WB parties together. 

That however, was where it ended. They'd split the minute they got inside, Jensen to the Smallville crowd, Jared to the Gilmore Girls crowd and his cute, annoyingly perky girlfriend.

And Jensen ignored any melancholy thoughts that floated through his mind as he stared at Jared kissing Sandy through the bottom of his tequila shot glass he'd just downed.

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_“What are you doing?” Jared hissed as a firm hand slid down his backside, Jensen's body now blocking it from the gaze of anyone else there._

_He leaned, whispering in Jared's ear. “I'm making a pass at you. What does it feel like I'm doing?”_

_And by golly if Jared didn't jump as that hand tweaked his ass. But he didn't back away, either. There was a challenge in Jensen's eyes and Jared was naturally competitive. Blame it on his 'absolutely and amazingly talented' big brother._

_“I'm thinking you could get yourself in trouble there. You talk about me getting bad press for underage drinking? What about you being gay? And whoever said I was?”_

_Jensen glanced over his shoulder, scanning the crowd and bar quickly before he leaned in to nip and lick at Jared's ear. “No one's paying attention. And no one had to tell me. I can sense these things.”_

_“More like, you're drunk and want a piece of ass.”_

_Up close now, Jared could smell the guy's breath and he clearly was a little intoxicated. But when he turned his face, he was confronted with pouty lips, hair that wasn't short, but not long either and one hell of a come hither stare. The hazel eyes slowly devouring his own features were blown wide and it from more than alcohol._

_And fuck if that didn't go straight to his cock._

_“Maybe. But hey, out of this whole party, I chose you. Doesn't that say something?”_

_Jared snorted. “Yeah, more like twenty girls already turned you down. I don't even know you, Jensen.”_

_“Sure ya do!” He cracked a smile and his hand slid over Jared's ass again. “You know my name. I can also tell you I'm twenty-two, I grew up in Texas, I'm a good lay, and with any other guy it might have taken twenty let downs, but you just jumped right out at me.” He nodded as if this was everything Jared would ever need to know. “See? You know me. Can we fuck now? This party's worth shit.”_

_And when one hand smoothed over his hip, fingering the skin in between Jared's khaki's and his burnt orange button-up, how could he refuse? There was something about this guy that went beyond his boyish good looks and those lips that looked like they were made for fucking. He was a smart ass, but intelligence showed in those lust-ridden eyes and hell, Jared felt comfortable around him. He'd always wanted his first time to be with someone he liked._

_He'd just never quite expected the first time he got with a man to be a pick up at some stupid actor's party—but this was Hollywood, right? Go with the flow._

_“Sure. Yeah, let's go.”_

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Jared was loving his life. He was at the top. Well, ok, so he wasn't Brad Pitt or even Ewan McGregor with that accent everyone loved. But, he had a great show, a great bunch of friends he still got to see all the time—had to love WB inbreeding—and one amazing girlfriend. He also loved torturing Jensen.

Oh, yes. Torture. All those press junkets. He loved the questions they got, questions about the two of them, about gay subtext, and such. Jensen squirmed. Squirmed like a pig about to go on the spit. And every time Jared placed one of his 'huge mother fucking paws', as Jensen liked to refer to them as, on Jensen's chest, he could feel his co-star's heart beat just a bit faster. And it wasn't the crowds. Jared had come to realize the whole shy thing, where he backed off was just Jensen not wanting to deal with shit. He preferred the hands-off approach.

Heh. Jared laughed at himself. Oh, yes, smile as he did, Jensen really preferred hands-off. Out of the bright lights, he never let himself touch Jared. If their hands bumped as they played PS2, he jumped and shifted over, further from Jared.

And so why was it every time Jensen did scootch away, he felt a little hurt? It's not like he was lacking in the adoring fans department. Literally. Hell, after every show Chad would fucking call him up and compliment him amidst insults for an hour and then Sandy would call, just gushing about what a brilliant job he did. And that wasn't even his family's praises. So why did the slightest bit of rejection from Jensen make him feel small and kind of like he didn't matter?

But they coasted along, getting closer as friends, finding out other's tastes and dislikes. How Jensen had this thing for candles and chocolate milk. Or like, how they both liked to work out for an hour and a half each morning, but had entirely different routines. Jared liked his weights and Jensen preferred cardio.

All in all, they had a fairly comfortable, if charged, silent agreement to never bring up the past, to be co-stars who had completely different friends and just happened to get along well.

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_They'd gone to Jensen's car, as Jared had shown up with Alexis, and drove about fifteen minutes in almost total silence beyond that of the country music that floated from the car's stereo surround sound, aided by the sub woofers in the back._

_Finally they reached a small apartment building and it was in the elevator that Jensen made his first move._

_He'd caught Jared out of the corner of his eye when he'd entered the party, and watched as he kind of slunk off into the corner. It was, Jensen had first assumed, the look of a boy who had nothing to do with the scene and was only there as eye candy. The kid had looked out of place and nervous. But his doe-like eyes and slouched shoulders were somehow that much more appealing to him._

_Fresh meat, he'd thought, eying the dark hair cut in a bowl style, with his bangs hanging in his eyes. His clothes weren't party caliber, even if this was a fairly casual affair. But it was when he ordered his first drink and took a sip, that long neck stretching back in an arch, that Jensen knew he had to have him. That neck would look so good stretched out beneath him, and all he wanted was a taste._

_When Jared had opened his mouth and his words were tinged with just the slightest drawl, Jensen had been gone. All that and Texas too?_

_He hadn't dared do anything more than pet in such a public place, with a few cameras around, so he'd waited. But now he stepped in, laughing quietly as Jared seemed to sink into himself as Jensen stepped forward._

_He brushed a lock of hair from the kid's eye and then leaned in for a kiss. It started out slow and hesitant and Jensen couldn't help but think it was like kissing a girl, but then it grew into something more passionate, though still not practiced. More like the eagerness of teenage hormones._

_Jared's lips were still too-hard pressed against his, but Jensen placed a hand on a slim hip and pushed his way in with his tongue and once he did everything was slick and hot and wet and ok, so he did know how to kiss._

_Everything about the tall brunette relaxed and soon he was grabbing at Jensen's hips, pawing him with absurdly large hands, right when the elevator dinged signaling his floor. He kept his grip on Jared, hand fisted in his shirt, so he wouldn't get out of the moment, and whispered something dirty in his ear, loving the flush that crept up Jared's neck. He fumbled for a key—ok, maybe he was drunker than he thought—and finally it slid in and home._

_He practically shoved Jared in, and he kept the lights off, dropping the keys and stepping back into Jared._

_“You uh...you gonna turn on any lights?” the nervous boy asked._

_“Nu-uh. We're headed right for the bedroom.” He walked Jared in backwards, until they reached the doorway._

_“You go fast, huh?” came out a little breathless as Jensen sucked at Jared's neck. God, he smelled good. A mixture of Lucky cologne, alcohol and Texas._

_“What better way is there?” he murmured, as he started unbuttoning the orange shirt. Really, who wore that color in Hollywood? Hollywood was all about the glamour and flash. This kid was so new._

_“Umm...” Jared hummed, hands trying to gesture, seeming to want to settle on something, and finally they landed on Jensen's chest, pushing him back a little. “I haven't done this before, you know. I mean it's something I wanted to but...”_

_“Yeah,” Jensen shrugged. “Texas isn't too conducive to that, I know. I figured. Part of why I liked you.”_

_Jared smiled at that. “So, you're what? Like the de-virginizer of Hollywood? How many fellas you deflowered?”_

_Wrinkling his nose, Jensen responded, “You make it sound so...like I'm a pimp or something.”_

_“Pimp, no. Player, oh yeah.”_

_Jensen smirked. “Ok, you caught me. But actually, I've never had a virgin before. I usually like my 'dates' a little more experienced. But I think you could be fun.”_

_“Just...go slow. When we. I mean. Erm.”_

_Jensen laughed as Jared blushed even more so than before. “No worries, 'k? I got it all under control. I told you I was a good lay, didn't I?”_

_Jared nodded and gasped when Jensen tweaked a nipple, not having realized his entire shirt had been unbuttoned during the exchange._

_“Ok, then. Now shut up and kiss me.”_

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It started when Jensen walked into Jared's trailer without knocking, only to find him and Sandy going at it. Hardcore. Like he was a fucking bronco and she was the cowboy.

“Oh, fuck. I mean, umm...excuse me.” He backed out blushing and stammering, to the sounds of a high-pitched whine from Sandy and a cheeky grin from Jared.

_Holyshitmotherfuckinghell!_ And wouldn't his mom just be proud of his dirty mouth now.

He ran back to his trailer. It wouldn't have been so bad had he walked in and his eyes had been drawn to small but perky boobs. Or even Sandy's vagina. Well, he had been staring there, but for the ten seconds he'd stood in shock, his gaze had been on Jared entering and slipping out repeatedly.  
 _  
Fuck._

What happened to he didn't do a person more than once? What happened to Jared was a whiny little bitch? So what if he grew up and filled out and was hard muscle now rather than smooth and flat angles?

He sat down in his chair and reached for a beer. Then thought better of it and grabbed the bottle of whiskey he kept for special occasions. Normally a really bad work day, but this...well, it counted as a bad work day, too.

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When Jensen had walked in on him and Sandy, Jared had been glad Sandy was in the throes of passion. He'd been right.

He'd purposefully left the door unlocked, unbeknown to his poor girlfriend; he'd been expecting Jensen would barge in. And the reaction had been more than he hoped for. He couldn't help the grin as his co-star stared. And not at Sandy. At him. At his cock slipping in and out of her. And that blush? Jensen didn't blush often.

And so Jared's orgasm was just that much sweeter when he tipped over, feeling Sandy clench around him before she collapsed on his chest. He smoothed her hair and couldn't help smiling even wider, without a thought that his smile had nothing to do with the girl in his lap.

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It was halfway through the season and they'd just finished filming Route 666. Jensen was fucking horny as shit. Fake sex was such a load of shit. Sure, the WB wasn't a porn channel or hell, even Showtime, but damn he was all worked up now and that just wasn't fair. Even if Megalyn wasn't all that hot and they kinda of duked it out backstage—bitch, he thought—intimated sex was still damn arousing.

And maybe, knowing Jared was there watching, though it had been a day off for him, maybe that had amped up the feeling. Jensen had always been a bit of an exhibitionist. Then again, he liked to watch too. He was just fucked up all around. But a good kind, he figured.

Almost everyone had gone home, make up and costuming, production, and such. A few stage hands waved as he made his way to his trailer, ready to get his cell and head home for the weekend.

He hadn't been expecting the sight he received. Jared fucking Padalecki on his knees, giving one Chad Michael Murray a fucking blow job. Leaning against _his_ trailer.

What? Was God just out to get him? Was this because he was bi? Or because he'd never done his chores without complaint like his dad had told him to?

But he stepped back around the corner, glancing around. No one around.

“Oh, fuck yeah, Jare. Yeah, give it to me. Suck it harder, bitch.”

Jensen tensed up at that. Ok, those words coming out of an engaged man's mouth, who just happened to be punk ass Chad, so should not be hot. And they weren't. Chad's voice did nothing for him. But those little groans? Knowing who was causing them? Life was just not fair.

He was close enough he could hear the slight sucking and wet sounds that came from Jared's preoccupation.

A low pitched moan escaped Chad's mouth and ok, that was it. Like he'd said, he was a voyeur and he was going to take advantage of this.

He slid the zipper down, hoping the noise would be covered by Jared's—and what the hell? He'd never been that loud for him—and took himself out. Already hard from earlier, it only took a few strokes to get him aching.

He leaned around the corner, pleased to see Chad's eyes shut, head back against the metal. Jared's mouth was moving up and down, real fast, than slow and from here, Jensen could just make out his lips being stretched across that fucker's cock.

He used his own precome to slick the entire head. He could see Chad was close, the way his grip tightened in Jared's hair and the fact that he seemed to be panting now. Good, cause it wasn't going to take Jensen much longer.

In fact, just a few strokes later, Chad was pulling Jared off him and shooting over his shoulder, moaning 'Jared' out long and hard and had anyone been within five miles, they'd have heard it. But it covered Jensen's own murmur of pleasure as he shot his load into the crazily green Vancouver grass.

After a moment he tucked himself back in and stood, leaning on one hand against Jared's trailer side. Now that it was over, he was pissed. Why the fuck couldn't Jared stick to sex in his own apartment? You didn't see him bringing around guys or girls onto set to just have sex. What the fuck. 

He looked up in time to see Chad's eyes open and notice Jensen peeking around the corner before Jensen tore off, keys in hand towards his car. The cell could wait. Anyone needed him that bad he had a fucking land line.

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The next day, Jared acted like he didn't know Jensen had caught him. Maybe that had been the point even, somewhere in his subconscious. It had started out with Chad wanting to visit him on his day off, but Jared had wanted to see Jensen's scene with Megalyn—they'd been hilarious, totally hating each other's guts, and the thought of Jensen forcing himself to pretend to like her amused Jared more than it should—so Chad had trailed after him, bitching the whole time. And jeez, Jared and Chad hadn't done anything since that first season of Gilmore Girls, but Chad started fucking moaning about never getting any from his hardly-legal finance and Jared was just so turned on seeing Jensen's lips work over someone else's, that on their way back, after the crews had left, he'd just pushed Chad against the nearest trailer and went down on him. Fuck, it had felt good, too. He hadn't sucked cock in some time. Like a year or more. Hard to do with a girlfriend. Hard to do when old memories of the best blow jobs ever kept resurfacing.

He was greeted with an ashen and hung over Jensen that next Monday, and it was then he decided. The whole getting caught thing? Such good payback. If that bitch went and decided he wanted him again, ha ha but it sucked to be him. Because Jared loved driving Jensen crazy. And he wasn't ever gonna get him again. Jensen could have had him once but he went all ape shit on him and while Jared was a forgiving person in friendship and family, he didn't put up with shit from lovers. One chance was all you got, pal.

Besides. It just wouldn't do to even try to get back with Jensen. After all, you could never end up with your first love. There was some kind of natural rule against that. That only happened in fairy tales.


	2. Part 2

_After a few more minutes of kissing, Jensen backed him the rest of the way to the bed. He pushed so that Jared ended up sprawled over it, looking debauched already._

_“Fuck. You're real hot, Jared.”_

_His eyes darkened to a liquid brown and he half whispered, “Come here and show me then.”_

_And now that? That was even hotter. Dirty talk from Virgin Boy. Damn._

_So he made good. He tore off his layers of clothing, leaving nothing but boxers on—black silk, thank you—then proceeded to strip Jared's off, as well._

_Jared went willingly, helping out but not a lot, so Jensen had to put his hands all over him in order to get them off. Finally, he got to the last layer, sliding the boxers down. Then he crawled up, encouraging Jared to move up towards the wall. Pausing, he let his silk covered erection rub against Jared's free one, a second wet spot showing up as Jared's leaked on the fabric. He knew for a fact how good that thin bit of fabric could feel—and how frustrating._

_Sure enough, Jared was soon rolling his hips and his moans were getting a little louder._

_“Tell me, Jared,” he cooed as he licked and sucked at the wide and delicious collarbone in front of him, “is there something you want?”_

_Jared's whines got louder and he licked his lips, hips thrusting up once. “Yes,” he breathed, eyes screwed shut._

_“Tell me. What do you want?” Jensen licked the tip of his ear and felt a shudder pass through the body below him._

_Hands landed on him again, and one slid up and just under his boxer leg, teasing at the crease of thigh and ass. “I need...I need more.”_

_“What kind of more?”_

_“God,” he gasped as Jensen ground against him, pushing the legs beneath him further apart until he could lie comfortably between them. “I want...want to come. Want to feel you.”_

_“You know, for a virgin, you're pretty vocal,” he smirked, though he was momentarily distracted as a foot crept up his calf, snugging him in closer._

_“Not a virgin, jackass. Just not done this before...” Jared's eyes glinted at him, half indignation, half amusement._

_“Exactly.”_

_“Jerk,” but it lost all vehemence as Jensen slid down his body and licked Jared's slit. “Oh, fuck.”_

_“Mhmmmmmm,” he moaned around a mouthful of cock. Jared tasted good. He tasted young and clean and a little sweet._

_Soon enough, Jared was grasping at his hair, large fingers slipping right through the strands, then coming back and tangling._

_“Damn, you're good at this.”_

_“I've had practice,” Jensen mumbled, pulling off for a moment. “I should hope I was talented by now.”_

_“Wow, you really know how to sweet talk, don't 'cha?” Jensen glanced up to see brown eyes glaring at him through bangs._

_“But it's all to your benefit.” Then he descended again and with a few pulls and good hard sucks, Jared was coming, coating his entire throat. He lapped it all up, savoring the taste and loving how Jared squirmed because of his sensitive cock._

_“Mmmmm...want to taste yourself?”_

_Jared's face twisted pretty hilariously and Jensen couldn't help laughing._

_“C'mon, it's not so bad. I promise.” He ran hands up smooth and pale sides, all the way until he reached kiss-swollen lips, he leaned in, tantalizing lips until they parted._

_At first Jared tensed, then suddenly he melted, both arms flinging about Jensen and his legs spread wider, both wrapping up and around his, petting at his back and grabbing at his ass. He moaned a little, deep in his throat and that really turned Jensen the fuck on. He pulled back, watching as Jared panted, chests brushing together._

_“Guess you like that, huh?”_

_“Fuck.” His eyes closed. “Yeah.”_

_Jensen grinned. “What'd I tell ya?”_

_A swat at his ass. Jensen rolled off and to the side._

_“What--?”_

_“Just getting supplies. I've been a little neglected here.”_

_He laughed again as Jared rolled his eyes. He really liked this kid. He was laid back and any innocence he had was totally made up for in enthusiasm and even new to it all, he'd caught on quick._

_He was back in a moment, condom and lube in hand, boxers on the floor._

_“Turn over.”_

_Jared eyed him dubiously, but then rolled over, flat on his stomach._

_“C'mon, Jared. Get up.”_

_“Huh?” Hair was flicked out of his eyes as Jared's head turned towards him._

_“Up on all fours. I'm promising you the best ride in the world.”_

_“Wow, you're not cocky at all, are you?”_

_“You know you like it. Now get yer ass in the air. I was right about that kiss wasn't I? You gotta trust me here, kid.”_

_Some more muttered grumbling, but after a few moments pause, Jared slowly climbed up onto all fours._

_That picture right there had Jensen's cock raging hard again. Jared was...well, he just was. Long and pale limbs made him taller on hands and knees than Jensen was used to, but it only added appeal. His back was smooth and though at the moment it was concave down, Jensen knew in no time he'd be arching back and into Jensen. Everything about Jared was slim, but not skinny, and so baby soft._

_“God, I'm gonna fuck you so good...”_

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It was the end of the season and Jared was going strong with Sandy and Jensen with Tania. They were all in suspense, waiting to hear from the WB—soon to be CW—execs whether Supernatural had been renewed. They all were a bit frantic and nerves were frayed. There was lots of drinking and lots of sex. And if at the WB parties, there were more couplings then usual—though the stupid Smallville cast just joined in for fun, they had nothing to worry about—no one commented.

One night featured a room that looked a little too much like the Provenance hotel for Jared's taste, but you go with the flow, right? And so maybe there were a few make out games, like they were all fifteen again. But hey, Jared would never object to seeing Sandy and Kristen kiss, or James and Chad—though, thank God, Sophia was hanging out in a different room. Jared was just grateful the bottle passed over him on Jensen's turn and that his happened to land on Allison.

Eventually everyone left, but he stayed, grabbing a joint from his pocket and lighting up.

He was pleasantly buzzed when Jensen walked in.

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“Oh, sorry, didn't realize. I'll just--”

“Hey, c'mon in,” Jared slurred at him, beer in one hand, joint in the other.

“I don't think...”

“Jensen Ross Ackles, get yer ass over here!”

Oh, yeah, Jared was wasted. There was that Texas drawl and the full name. He snickered to himself. Only Jared would call people by their full names when he was wasted.

“Fine, fine,” he held up his hands and walked in, the door shutting with a ominous click. 

He wandered over and laid down next to Jared. “You know, this shit will fuck you up.”

“Hey, I took health class, dodo. Pot never killed anyone, yet.”

“S'not what I mean,” Jared offered the joint to him and he took it, inhaling deeply. “Just, if you get caught...”

“Yeah, yeah, same to you, fucker,” Jared said without force, waving a hand randomly through the air. “You know,” he rolled onto his side, closer to Jensen then they had been ever since they met. The second time. And shit, that wasn't good. Jensen had been doing so good.

Jared continued. “You know, why is it you're always patron-patronizing me when it comes to this stuff? I mean, you do it, too. But it's like you gotta protect me or something. Jensen, you're not Dean, and I'm not your baby brother. You did that back then, too.”

Fuck.

Jensen was not drunk enough for this.

He grabbed at the beer Jared was holding loosely in his fingers who let it go, almost as if he knew what he'd just said meant they both needed to get wasted even more, and fast. Because they didn't bring up the past. Ever. Fuck.

Jared grabbed for the joint and Jensen was so absorbed in downing the alcohol, he didn't let go, and he felt Jared's lips brush his fingers before they found the right end of the smoke.

Suddenly, he was hard as fuck. He really needed to leave _now_. 

But something wouldn't let him, and he realized he had the head of a giant resting on his chest and staring up at him, pupils blown wide and even if the hair was thicker and curly now, it gave him a total flashback to that night. To those nights.

He groaned. “Jared...”

But Jared just moved and took another puff on the joint before he moved up and over him. Out of habit, out of desire and confusion and pure want, Jensen opened his mouth and accepted the mouthful of smoke.

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_Jensen lubed up his finger and leaned over Jared's back, smoothing one hand over his back, his flank and whispered in his ear, “It's ok. It'll be alright, Jared. I won't hurt you. I promise you that.”_

_The body below his seemed to relax a bit, not so stiff in its posture and Jared turned his head to kiss and nibble at Jensen's lips. After a few moments of slick tongues and exchange of spit, Jensen parted from those tempting lips and returned to Jared's rear. He kissed at his tail bone, the middle of his spine, both cheeks._

_He teased at the puckered entrance, slowly breaching it, waiting for the initial resistance to ease. When it did, he—just as slowly—began wriggling his finger around._

_“Oh, Jesus,” breathed Jared_

_“I know, I know, it'll get better.”_

_“Does it?”_

_Jensen took his finger out, nodding although Jared couldn't see, and slicked more lube onto his fingers and this time he pressed in two. And they did go in smoother and faster. Jared let out a moan, but it didn't sound so painful this time so Jensen started scissoring his fingers, making Jared as loose as he could._

_With his other hand he was gripping the base of his cock, because seeing his fingers enter un-taken flesh was a thought that just boggled his mind and made him ache. He spoke soothing words, dirty words, and after a bit, Jared was keening and Jensen figured he was ready as he could be._

_“You ok? You ready?”_

_There was a loud moan and Jared looked back. His hair was mussed and his cheeks were flushed, mouth open and slick. “Fuck yes! Fuck me already, dammit.”_

_Well, then. Jensen quickly rolled the condom on, applied lube generously and lined up, on knees, hands resting on slim hips. He pushed forward, ever so slow. It was killing him, but he'd meant it when he wouldn't hurt Jared. At least as little as possible._

_“Oh, my, fucking-shit!” came from the potty mouth beneath him and though he stopped, Jensen couldn't help grinning. “Does it ever stop hurting?”_

_Poor Jared was gasping and his shoulders were tense, his entire body shut off._

_“Yes, yes, it does, but you gotta relax. Relax, c'mon.” With two free hands now, Jensen was able to palm Jared's cock, which was hardly even half-hard, and his back in gradual circles. As Jensen stayed still, the body below him relaxed, giving into the slip-slide of hand on cock, and he was quickly panting again, but this time not from pain._

_“Ok, I'm gonna move now. Think you can take it?”_

_“Nnnn...yes!” Jared let out and then Jensen moved._

_He started out slow, still wanting to let Jared adjust but soon that smooth ass was pushing back into his thrusts and he let himself quicken and deepen them. He ran his hands over unflawed skin, watching the light muscles flex and dance beneath it, and then he pulled Jared back into his lap, resting on his heels and a shudder passed through Jared and he cried out._

_It seemed, though Jensen's movements were more restricted, he'd managed to hit Jared's prostate. He really liked the view it gave him, too. Ass flush against him, he could run his hands up and down it, his thighs, play with Jared's dick. He leaned forward a bit more, kissing up and down the ridges of spine that showed._

_“God—Jesus—Jensen! That feels...oh, hell...” Jared gritted out, tossing his head back and Jensen could just see the profile of the arc of his neck and then Jared's whole body arched, just like he'd imagined and fuck it all, he was coming._

_He kept thrusting, riding the pleasure out and with one hand he reached out and quickly jacked Jared off who let out a long groan as he spilled hot come onto Jensen's hand and his own thighs._

_They were both breathing hard when Jensen pulled out, getting rid of the condom and then they both collapsed onto their backs, staring up at the ceiling._

_“That was...”_

_Jensen smirked. “Yeah, I know. Not to bad for a first time, huh?”_

_“Dick,” Jared retorted, half-heartedly smacking his arm._

_Rolling over onto his side, Jensen opened the same drawer that held the condoms and fished out a cigarette. He lit it with a flick of a lighter and then collapsed back, taking a drag._

_Jared shifted his head so that he was staring at Jensen's profile. “You know, you're like everyone of those Hollywood cliches.”_

_“Yeah? How's that?” he responded, keeping a smile to himself._

_“Well, you're gorgeous, of course, you've got this upscale apartment, you sleep with men—and I'm sure a fair number of girls—and then you smoke after sex.”_

_“I'm the kind of person your momma always warned you about.”_

_“Actually, she never warned me about anyone. She always knew I knew what to look out for.”_

_It was Jensen's turn to look at the man next to him. Jared's face was still slightly flushed and his hair was in his eyes, but his mouth was open just a little, lips swollen and all Jensen wanted to do was fuck that pretty little mouth._

_“So are you saying I'm ok, or that you failed your mom?”_

_“I'm not sure,” Jared seemed to actually think. “I get this feeling there's more to you than meets the eye. Like, this is a front. Or something. Or maybe, I really am just blind.”_

_Jensen laughed and took another drag, gesturing it towards Jared who politely declined with a shake of his head. “What you see is what you get. Don't worry, you'll lose your naiveté easy in this business. You'll find out all actors are shits and all we care about is money and cock. Or pussy. Whatever.”_

_“Whatever happened to doing the art for the sake of the art? You know, talent, skill, work?”_

_“You want that, go into theater. Or go to Canada or Britain. I find them more dedicated. Hollywood's all about the sex, drugs, and money. It's a regular VH1 marathon.” He noticed Jared about to open his mouth to argue, but he was getting serious buzz-kill here and hot as Jared was, he really did need to learn before he could even start debating with Jensen. “Hey. Let me know when you're ready to go again. All this thinking's too much for my brain right now.”_

_He rolled over, putting out the cigarette and made to cozy in, but a large hand slipped across his stomach and wet, open-mouthed kisses made their way up his neck and over his jaw._

_He turned into the kiss. “Now that's more like it.”_

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Two weeks later, after that party, they found out they'd been renewed and good to go for the new CW. 

The kiss over pot smoke hadn't been mentioned since Tom knocked on the door telling them to get their asses out there. It hadn't even been a kiss. Not really. Ok. There had been some fondling. And ok, there had been some groping. But they were both drunk, so it didn't count, right? Didn't matter. It had total deniability.

And so, just like further past situations, it went unmentioned.

The night Eric called them up and told them everything was set for the next season, they'd be back to work in two weeks, Jensen called Jared and though they'd been stealthily avoiding each other after that last party, he invited him out.

Jared picked up Jensen, saying he wasn't in the mood to drink a whole lot so he'd be the DD. Jensen wondered about that, but hey, it meant he could totally get smashed.

Which he proceeded to do in about an hour—five shots of tequila, three shots of vodka, and three beers later. He was piss drunk as hell, and in the back of his mind, he realized it probably wasn't good that he kept throwing his arm over his co-star's shoulders, who in turn kept detaching himself from Jensen. It wasn't like it was Jensen's fault. Total deniability.

That seemed to be becoming his mantra. 

But finally, at about one, Jared made their excuses and hefted Jensen's limp body up and out to his car. Jensen didn't remember much of saying goodbye, just that he and Rosenbaum kissed for a bit and Jared made a disgusted noise at it, turning his head away.

He must have passed out in the car, because the next thing he knew Jared was trying to get him out and into his own place.

“Jared...why are we...here? Your place, I mean?”

“'Cause I don't feel like driving any further and having your drunk ass puke in my clean car.”

“Oh, ok.” Made sense. To him. Yeah.

They made it inside without tripping over Sadie and Harley, and Jared plunked him down on the couch which he promptly slid off. His tall co-star heaved a sigh like he was the world's biggest douche and asked, “Water?”

“Mmmmmm,” Jensen hummed, noticing just how much taller Jared was from this angle.

Jared walked away but came back a moment later with a beer and a glass of water and Tylenol.

“Take these,” he said, and Jensen willingly popped them into his mouth, downing them with some of the water.

Walking around Jensen, Jared plopped on the couch, head near Jensen's, feet at the other end. 

Jensen took a moment to stare as Jared stretched before saying, “You're a tall mother fucker.”

Jared laughed, the action bringing him in short for a moment before he grabbed his beer and took a sip. Twisting his neck like this was a little dizzying, Jensen thought.

“Hey, I'll be here just a bit, 'k? Then I'll call a cab.”

“Sure, Jen.”

That startled him. “Jen? You haven't...”

“Uhh, sorry. Didn't, you know...” Jared shifted uncomfortably for a moment and his side suddenly touched the back of Jensen's head. He let his head fall onto Jared's stomach then and miraculously, the room stopped spinning.

They sat quietly for a bit, and inevitably, Jensen's thoughts wandered as they were wont to do when he was drunk. Drinking made it harder to push thoughts away. Damn it. He need to stop drinking. Become abstinent. No. Not that. Just stay away from alcohol.

A few minutes later, Jared leaned over him to set the beer down. When he leaned back, he sighed a little and his hand seemed to fall on Jensen's head. They were both still a moment, then Jared began gently carding his fingers through the strands, thick with gel, and occasionally petting him, and Jensen relaxed into the touch.

The up and down of Jared's abdomen was soothing. His body produced a lot of heat and it made Jensen's brain melt into barely nothing. And he was getting hard. Listening to Tall Boy's breathing was suddenly going to his cock. 

He weakly kicked out a foot and had he been standing it might have done some good, but as it was, it just barely shook the coffee table. And let out none of his sudden pent up anger and desire and confusion.

He turned his head and found Jared looking at him through half-lidded eyes. “Jared. Jared, where did we go wrong?”

The hand stopped moving and he seemed to be in shock. “Are you serious?”

Jensen just kept looking, an over-whelming need to know bubbling to the surface.

“You are. You're serious. I thought we weren't talking about this.”

Jensen tried to shrug, but the lip of the couch got in the way. “I'm drunk as fuck. I won't remember by tomorrow, anyway.”

“Oh, great. Just leave me, who's sober, to deal and remember it tomorrow.”

Jensen pursed his lips, unsure of what Jared's words and face meant. “I can try to remember if it helps.”

Jared sighed and he patted his head once, twice, before he let his hand fall and started playing with Jensen's hair again. “You mean you don't remember?”

“Remind me. I think I missed something a long time ago.”

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_Jared had gotten off early that day, only filming one scene and even it had gone smoothly and fast. He'd decided to surprise Jensen._

_They'd been 'seeing' each other—what Jensen had told him it was called, because no way were they dating, boys didn't date—for just about a month. Jared had learned a lot in that time. Everything from how to suck cock well to what Jensen liked in the morning for breakfast._

_Not that that happened often. He'd normally shove Jared out the door, muttering something about 'can't be seen here all night' and 'don't want to corrupt you'--as though Jared hadn't already been totally corrupted. He had to wonder about that, but chalked it up to Jensen's Hollywood cliché life. Or his attitude. Then again, maybe the guy was just emotionally stunted. But Jared couldn't find it in him to complain._

_He waved at the doorman who let him in, having gotten used to him coming by even in the short month. The man muttered a “Hello, sir,” but didn't really look up. Maybe he'd had a bad day. Jared shrugged it off. His day had been good and it could only get better. He had plans for him and Jensen._

_He rode the elevator up, adjusting his pink and white striped polo Jensen insisted looked great on him and not only did men wear pink, but it was only Hollywood types around and who would think about it twice?_

_Strolling down the long hallway of Jensen's floor, he reached the door and knocked. Nothing. He tried again. Still nothing. He tested the door and found it open so he walked in. Sure, maybe that was a little breach of privacy—not like Jensen had given him keys or anything—but it seemed ok. He wandered toward the bedroom._

_“Jensen, guess what? I got off work early and--”_

_Jared ground to a stand still. The sight in front of him registered as mildly hot before the reality of it slammed into him._

_Jensen was up on his knees, facing the doorway, hands gripping tight on the hips of a man with golden skin and cropped brown hair. The man with Jensen's dick up his ass was leaning forward on his arms, making obscene sounds and pushing right back into the blond's thrusts._

_Jensen looked up, eyes glazed, smirk on his face. “Hey, Jay. What're you doing here?”_

_Jared spluttered. “You-I-what-what the fuck, Jen?”_

_Jensen didn't stop what he was doing, just smoothed a hand along Mr. Porn Star's side, running it down to stroke his cock._

_“What's it look like, baby? You wanna join, or just watch?”_

_Jared couldn't believe it. He wasn't even going to stop. Not even..._

_He stormed out. Walked right back out and slammed the apartment door, but once he was safely outside, his back hit the wall and he just collapsed, sliding down until he landed on his ass._

_It couldn't be. This could. Not. Be. Happening. Not to him. It wasn't fair. It wasn't..._

_His mother's voice resounded in his head._

__“God never said life would be fair, baby. Only that it would be just.” __

_Yeah, well, what the hell was this? It wasn't fair and it wasn't just. Was this what he got? Got for turning out gay? Got for believing Jensen wasn't that type he should have stayed away from?_

_“Fuck,” he muttered out loud._

_He sat there for some time, numbed because it didn't seem Jensen was going to stop anytime soon. He clearly didn't care about Jared. How could he have been so_ stupid _?_

_He was about to leave, when the other guy emerged. He looked down, surprised, but then cast a pitying stare at Jared still sitting there. “Hey, sorry, man,” he said. “I didn't know. I mean...” He was dressed in black pants and a blue button up and he nervously picked at them, before running a hand through his hair. “I don't make it a habit to sleep with taken men. But I didn't know. I hope it works out.”_

_Then with a casual shrug and a grin, he headed for the elevator. Jared watched him go, cold._

_The door opened again and out came Jensen, clad in boxers and a t-shirt, bangs hanging in his eyes. He hadn't gotten a trim all month._

_“You're still here, Jared? What the hell?”_

_That was all it took. Jared stood up and without warning, pulled a fist back and let it fly._

_Jensen went wheeling back, holding his nose, but made no noise. He brought his head around. “I guess you're mad, huh?”_

_Jared pulled back again, but this time Jensen avoided it and instead yanked him by his collar into the apartment and then threw him up against a wall, arm pressed to Jared's throat, not so much to choke him but to keep him still._

_“What the hell do you think you're doing here?”_

_“What do I--?” Jared was beyond confused. His insides were a swirling mass of hurt, confusion, anger, fear, and what sounded like to him to be a heart breaking—but that wasn't possible because he'd never given it away. “I just got off work and I thought we could...what the fuck does it matter anyway? You were here with some other guy!!”_

_“Yes, I was.” From up close, Jensen's face was still flushed from his earlier exertion, but probably from anger, too. “Whoever said I had to ask you who's able to come into my home? Who said you could come over without invitation, much less just barge in?”_

_“I thought--”_

_“You thought.” Jensen glared at him, finally pulling away and stepping back. He crossed his arms. “Just what did you think, Jared?”_

_“I thought we were...that we were together!”_

_“Oh, I see.” Jensen nodded condescendingly. “You thought we were together. Like the high school football captain giving his pin to the cheerleading captain kind of together? God, Jared. You are so fucking naive. Didn't I tell you a long time ago, boys don't date? What would make you think you had any claim on me?”_

_“I thought we were...” Jared shook his head, really hurt by the coldness and sarcasm Jensen was evidencing._

_“What? Not seeing anyone else? Since when did I say that? Did I ever agree to that? Or did you just_ think _? Well, we're not. Never have been exclusive. That ain't how Hollywood works, Jared. Get used to it, baby, because this will be one of the softest letdowns you get.”_

_“But I--”_

_“You what?” Jensen was back in his face and Jared was having problems comprehending it all. He just wished he hadn't come here tonight. Then he wouldn't have known. Wouldn't be doing this. “Don't tell me you're gonna say you love me. You're not that stupid.”_

_Jensen paused, scratching at his bicep and running fingers through his hair. “Did you think this was some twisted Cinderella story? That we both loved each other—could love each other—and that we'd live happily ever after? Let me tell you this. Your character, Dean? Yeah. He and Rory aren't going to be together for forever, either. I can guarantee you that will not happen. One day, you'll get the call letting you know your characters been axed and you're out on your ass looking for the next job. And you know what? Sometimes TV does reflect real life.”_

_Jared was starting to hyperventilate. He'd never meant for this to happen. God, Jensen was breaking up with him. Except the fact that, clearly, they'd never been doing anything to break up for. It was just sex. Really, really good sex. That meant nothing. 'Cause Jensen obviously could get it anywhere and had only been humoring Jared for the past month, letting him think they were something, that it did mean something._

_He couldn't cry. He would. Not. Cry. He closed his eyes and inhaled through his nose, getting control of himself. He opened his eyes again and looked Jensen right in the eye._

_“I'll be leaving now. And I hope to God I never see you again, Jensen Ross Ackles, because you sure did a good job on me. You kept telling me how Hollywood was, how the acting biz was and I just never listened. Now I know. Once, shame on me. Twice though...if I see you again, shame on you.”_

_For a moment, Jensen's eyes turned a brilliant glazed green and as he calmly walked towards the door, Jared almost thought he might be called back. Almost thought Jensen would laugh and tell him he was being an idiot and he was sorry and he'd never do it again, he hadn't meant it._

_But as he looked back, the cocky grin and raised eyebrow that was Jensen's mask was back in place and Jared realized he truly had been stupid and living in a dream world. Jensen was right. It was just Hollywood._

_He walked out and down the hall, letting the door slam behind him._

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Jared had been silent for so long, Jensen nearly dozed off, alcohol clouding his brain. But finally, Jared spoke and he snapped to attention.

“You know, I think I could have handled it if it had been a girl.”

“Huh?” Jensen asked, smartly.

Jared sighed, dislodging his head for a moment. “If I'd walked in on you fucking some girl. It's just...when you'd been with me, you hadn't shown any interest in guys. And then... _that_.”

“Oh.” 

“I just...” Jared seemed to think again. “I can say this now with hindsight. I realize that I was pretty damn infatuated with you. I mean, I'd always been kind of into guys, but you were the first one I'd done anything serious with. I guess you went on a pedestal. You were gorgeous and older and wanted me. You had all the quirks that, if I'd ever seen them in another Texas man, would have laughed in his face 'cause it would have been total posing. But I guess I did get swept up in the whole LA scene. I let my ego get the best of me. Thinkin' you cared.”

He shrugged, causing his upper body to move, letting Jensen feel the flex of muscles beneath his head.

Hesitant, Jensen asked, “Can I crash here tonight?”

Reaching to grab his beer again, Jared replied, “Yeah. No, prob. My home's always yours if you need it.”

They sat in silence for awhile, both lost in their own thoughts.

Jensen kept going back to that day. It seemed the right thing to do at the time. He'd been young and caught up himself in LA glamour—hell, he'd just finished his stint with a _soap opera_ —and all he'd been concerned with was himself. He hadn't been thinking about Jared when he'd invited John up. Had never occurred that Jared might ever find out. It didn't help that once he was caught, everything his parents every taught him came racing back and the only way he could hide his shame was to lash out at Jared.

For all he'd said that day, he knew he'd liked Jared just as much as Jared had liked him. The fact that this young, Texas boy could like him...it made him think he'd gotten somewhere, become someone. Texans weren't easily impressed by things not Texas itself.

When Jared had left, it had hit Jensen then. He hadn't wanted him to leave, despite what he'd said about life not being a romance film. But at that point, his own pride wouldn't let him call Jared back. He hadn't wanted to admit to any feelings.

And now this entire year. God, it'd been torture. Sweet torture. He liked getting to know a grown up Jared. And maybe, maybe he'd grown up himself. Years of being friends with Chris Kane could do that to a man. He didn't let you pull any bullshit.

“Jared, I--”

“I think we should go to bed. You're gonna have a helluva headache if you don't get some sleep.”

“Jared, please, wait.”

Jensen turned his body, letting his chin rest on his friend's stomach. Jared looked at him sadly through his curly bangs, but he kept still.

“Did you...did you forgive me? Or have you been hating me all this time?”

One large hand reached up to cup his cheek. “I couldn't ever hate you, Jensen. Not even for that.”

“Why not?” Jensen blinked. He had sure been hating himself this past year. Hating the silence even as he was grateful for it.

“Because...” Jared paused, licking his lips and looking at Jensen with that look that he swore went right through to his soul. “I loved you, Jensen. And I don't give a fuck what _Hollywood_ thinks, what you think, or even what my family might think. It's the honest truth, with God as my witness. And yeah, I've been angry and bitter and I've taken it out on enough people since then. I mean, Sandy...” he trailed off, something bright in his eyes, seen despite the relative darkness, with Jensen this close. “I loved you, in all my youthful discretions.”

And hell, if that didn't blow Jensen over. He'd guessed, sure, wondered, but never actually thought, or considered it was true and that someday Jared might say it out loud.

And then it hit him. Why seeing Jared with Chad and Sandy pissed him off so much. Why he hadn't wanted to confront the past. And yet, he still got along with Jared. He was in love with him. He hadn't been before. No, he'd been too concerned with image to love anyone but himself. But knowing Jared this past year...it explained it all.

But he sure had fucked it up. Way back when. Gone and fucked himself over because with his tone, there was no way Jared would ever want him again. Not when Jensen was bound to make mistakes still. He was still kind of a slut—or so Chris called him—and he didn't know if loving someone meant he'd turn into Mr. Perfect Boyfriend. He doubted it. But...

“Jared. You ever wonder...this past year...you think we could start over?” He trailed a hand over Jared's chest, not so much sexual as companionable, comforting.

“I've wondered all year. But to be honest...I loved you. And I always will. You never stop loving your first love. Or so my momma says. But, I'm not in love with you anymore. I'll admit, I've thought about it, you and me together again. But I'm not so sure I could handle it. Not knowing if you'd cheat again, and damn it, I know that's old fashioned and not an actor's mantra, but I'm just me, Jensen. Just Jared and I might have become more jaded since I left Texas, but I still have my morals and I still believe in God if only in theory and I still believe in courtin' my woman. I can't be with someone who'd cheat on me. I like being with one person. I haven't given my heart since you 'cause I never wanted to go through that again.”

“God. What did I make you?” Jensen whispered, ashamed.

“You? You didn't make me. No one _made_ me, except my folks. I'm a compilation of everything I've learned and you just taught me a much needed lesson. I should thank you, actually.”

“No!” Jensen shouted, startling Sadie who'd been snoozing next to him. He rose to his knees, bending over Jared who merely set his beer on the table and looked calmly up at him, all usual Jared happiness gone. “I make myself sick, thinking about what an ass I was to you. You didn't deserve that. And I know I have no right to ask, but still, I am asking if you would ever consider...being with me. I want to do right by you.”

“I don't need—” Jared started but Jensen cut him off.

“Shut up. I've been jealous as fuck seeing you with other people all year. You've been on mind, day and night, as much as I've wanted to deny it. I'm asking once. I'll understand if you turn me down. Like I said, I don't deserve a second chance, but God, the only one I really want is you. Could we try? Just for awhile? I'm not talking about moving in, but I mean more than just sex. More than I gave you last time.” He steeled himself, pushing down the ball of tears that threatened to burst out of him, knowing he couldn't cry. Knowing he had to try.

“Sandy...”

Jensen watched as his co-star trailed off, brow furrowed and eyes sad. He watched him as a minute, two minutes, went by. After that, he dropped his head to Jared's chest, letting out an awkward huff of laughter.

“Ok, I know. I'll go now. I don't think I've been more sober in my life. I'll hail a cab.”

He made to leave, but a hand caught his wrist. “Jen.” He looked down. Jared half sat up, eyes earnest. “This isn't a joke? You're serious.”

“As a heart attack,” Jensen joked weakly, trying to slip his wrist from Jared's grasp. “Please, let me go,” he whispered when the pressure didn't release.

“I could try. We could try. If you mean it. God, if only you mean it.”

Jensen felt hope for the first time since it started. “I'm not perfect, Jay. I'll probably fuck it all up. I just hope you can understand. Because it may just have hit me now, but I am in...you're my best friend. That's all there is to it. And if you'll help me be more what you want, if you don't expect too much, I think we could make it.”

“I never wanted anything but you, Jen. I've wanted you since you first touched me.” He smiled sheepishly. “I hate waxing this sentimental in my head even and here I am spouting it all like I'm a regular Robert Frost. Can we just...?”

Jensen smiled, the first time since they'd left the bar. “Yeah. We can.”

And he leaned down and their mouths met. It wasn't perfect because hell, Jensen was a sloppy kisser when he was drunk and there was a bundle of nerves in his gut the size of Rhode Island, but it was good and warm and _Jared_.

After a moment, Jared shifted up off the couch and led them back towards his room, smile on his face the whole way.


End file.
